Long Time No Blog!

Yeah, I know… I've been hearing it from some friends… "Are you ever going to post on your blog again?" Well.. here I am. 

I guess I feel like I write the same thing every time I post here. Since I last wrote I have attended yet ANOTHER funeral. Jim posted on his blog (the weekend of Mother's Day) asking for prayer for my friend Christy's mom who became ill suddenly and ended up in ICU on Saturday night. Spent most of the night at the hospital with her… things not looking good. 3 days later this 45 year old woman took her last breath. 3 days after that I was at her funeral. I am almost feeling numb at this point. Or at least I thought I was, until yesterday at work.

HIPPA regulations prohibit me from sharing any details but suffice it to say it was the hardest day of my job thus far. I was called on to provide spiritual support for a family in our care center. All I can say is that it involved a child dying and it was awful. However, God's presence was powerfully in the room and one of the nurses present suggested that I sing a song. At the mom's request I sang "I Can Only Imagine" and then "Homesick" (by MercyMe) and several other songs. It was incredibly difficult but incredibly poignient. As I stood in this small room and felt God's presence fill the room and sensed Him wrapping His strong arms around this grief-filled mother I thought of the people who, over the past couple years, have so condemingly told me that I was "squandering my talents" and "wasting the gifts" that God has given me as far as singing and leading worship. I love singing… it is one of my truest and deepest joys in life. No doubt about it. And, truth be told… I love performing. I love being on stage. I love watching a crowd get into the music and have fun and connect in their own way with God and with others. I love having fun with the guys I play with…But yesterday in that room I couldn't help but think that it was a more powerful worship experience than any time I have ever "led worship" on a stage with a band. There was no great set list, no smooth transitions, no fantastic key changes, no lights or PowerPoint… just people who desperately needed God to be there. And He was there. So, I guess if this is what it means for me to "squander my talents" and "waste my gifts" then I'm totally okay with that.

 I think I am starting to understand somthing that I first studied years ago in our Small Group in Grand Rapids. We read the book "Experiencing God" and one of the things in it was a challenge not to come up with some idea of what you wanted to do for God or what you thought God wanted you to do, but rather to find out where God WAS ALREADY AT WORK and then JOIN HIM THERE. I'm starting to get that.

At Christy's mom's funeral luncheon I had an amazing conversation with my friends Lisa & Jennie. It started because we were discussing the "Pastor" who did the funeral service and what he had to say. I have never wanted to CHOKE a pastor more than I did that day! Grrrr!!! His funeral message was a huge condeming lecture… his text was from Revelation… the Great White Throne Judgement…. need I say more? After the service my firend Jennie siad, "If that is what God and heaven are about… then no thanks. I think I'll pass." Nice! At the luncheon e talked about life and death and GOd and what He wants for our lives here and now, about struggles and addictions, disappointments and frustrations. We talked for over an hour and a half. On the way home Lisa and I talked some more and she asked about us (she and I ) meeting on a regular basis for accoutibility and conversation. I am so excited about this. God is doing such great things in her life and I am learning from her too. Bring it on!

Wayne Jacobson is coming to hang out this weekend. Very excited about that. He was out in Cali with our friends Rob & Cara and their relational community a few weeks ago. He is coming to talk about and encourage relational living with Christ and others. Should be a good time.

 I was going to say that I would try and write more often but… why bother? Right? I'll write when I can.

Reflecting….

As I type this I am thinking back… two years ago at this moment (9:15ish) Jim and I, along with the kids, were standing on our front lawn watching our house burn. In some ways it seems like dozens of years ago. It some ways it feels like it was yesterday. So much has changed since then. I am grateful once again, for the protection of our Father in getting us all out of the house relatively unharmed… grateful to the many people who extended themselves on our behalf in the days, weeks and months after the fire… grateful for the friendships that developed and deepened because of the circumstances… grateful for the perspective it brought then and still brings to me and my family, about the things that matter most. Ironically… it's not the "things" that matter most at all… it's the people; the relationships. We have replaced most of what was lost in the fire… some things were not replaceable. But honestly, when I think back to that night and realize how quickly and easily the outcome could have been SO totally different (60 seconds later, according to one of the firefighters on the scene) I am truly overwhelmed with gratitude. 

Life continues to hand me more reminders of it's delicate nature… it's incredible fragility. I got a call from my mom on Monday night telling me that a guy I went to church wiith when I was a kid.. and then youth group and all… 36 years old… died. Brain tumor. Left 2 little kids and his wife. Since February 12 I have been touched by 9 deaths… 3 of which were young guys in their 30's… 6 of which were very sudden and unexpected…all of which have left me reflecting on life once again. The daily struggle to sort out what things matter most… what things to spend my time on… what things to let go of. It makes me want to just get on the phone and go through my list of friends… calling each of them to tell them what they mean to me. Or better yet, jumping in my car and going to them in person to put my arms around them and hold them and then look them in the eye and tell them what they mean to me. I keep having this feeling… "What if this is the last conversation I ever have with this person?" I know that sounds a little dramatic but you know what? I had final conversations with 9 people in the last 2 months and had no idea it woul be the last one. So, if I'm talking to you (in person or on the phone) in the near future, don't be weirded out if I tell you I love you. Consider yourself warned. Maybe that shouldn't be so "weird". Maybe if we told each other that more often there wouldn't be so many regrets at funerals. Maybe…

Well, I'm off to bed. Tell someone you love them today.

Time for an Update

Several people have commented to me about my "attempt" at blogging again. Yeah… so it's been a little "hit and miss"… my life is pretty busy these days. But, never the less… here I am.

  Lots has gone on in the past weeks. I found out that my best friends, the Hovey's are moving away. That sucks. As much as we want things to stay the same, they won't. They can't. I am very happy for them because they have wanted to buy a house for so long and they are finally seeing that become a reality. Like I said, I am happy for them but sad for me. They are heading in a different direction than we are. That is hard to come to grips with but sometimes reality just sucks.

My other best friend, Jeff, is moving away too. Not as far as the Hovey's but much farther than where he is now. And he (and Julie) are moving into an apartment. The biggest heartbreak with that is that he is the one that let us (the band) practice in his basement. Now we won't have anywhere to practice. One of my greatest pleasures in life was to go over and hang out in the basement and play music with Jeff. No congregation to lead, no pressure… just an audience of One and my truest expressions of worship. Not to mention a group of guys that I have come to love like my own brothers (I miss you Stutzy!!!).
 Last weekend was one of the highlights of my life. We had a celebration of Jim's ordination (which was totally a non- traditional service!) with a group of our closest firends. Jim's best friend Rob came from California and the 3 of us (Rob, Jim and I) took vows in the Order of the Mustard Seed   which was fantastic. It is always great to talk with Rob because he is a true kindred spirit on the journey. He "gets it" like few others. My kids absolutely fell in love with "Uncle Rob" and can't wait to see him and his fam again in July. Us too!

In the past few months i have been struck again by the fragility of life. Before Christmas I had been overwhelmed by this as I began to experience the deaths of the Hospice patients that I had come to know. At that time it caused me to do some serious soul searching and it also spurred me to write letters to some of the people closest to me to tell them how I feel about them (which caused some other issues!) But I'm still glad I did it. In the past few months 5 of the volunteers that I manage at Hospice have died. Suddenly. The most recent one died yesterday. These were not people who were sick… they just died. Heart attack… brain anurisms… blood clots… Last month my aunt died… a few weeks ago a friend, (my age!!!) Chad Canipe died… the fragility of life is truly unbelievable! One minute – life… a minute later – death. It's staggering. It is causing me again to do more soul searching and try and sort through my priorities… what's important… what can I let go of? Are the things that consume my time and energy things that are worthwhile? If I died tomorrow how much of today would i regret?  The lady that died yesterday had been a great source of encouragemnet to me personally. Before Christmas she had come into my office at work to ask me something and I was on the phone dealing with a personal issue that had me very upset and on the verge of tears. She made a motion asking if Iwanted her to leave my office and I shook my head "no". She stayed. After I finished my conversation she said… "I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying…" I half-smiled and nodded. She went on, "Is it okay if I talk to you about it?" She went on to share some information from her own life of dealing with a very similar issue and offered much encouragement. Since that day, almost every time i see here she "checks in" with me about our conversation and asks how I am. We have talked at length. Several times in the past month I have thought, "I really need to tell Barbara how much her words have helped me and how much her encouragement means to me.". Yeah, you guessed it. She died yesterday and guess what I never got around to telling her?

Don't wait… say the words you need to say.

Today.

 

Working from Home

I have a sick little Sami today so I am working from home. Had to run to the office this morning to get some of the stuff I needed to work on after dropping Em and JJ off at school. Sami is sleeping on the couch while I am working on a PowerPoint presentation that I need for the class I am teaching on Wednesday nights at Hospice. Truly, I love my job but I really miss being a stay-at-home-mom. Even a part time SAHM. I’m told that every day has 24 hours… I work for 8.. I (try to) sleep for 8… but I sure don’t know where the other 8 go everyday because at best I can come up with about 3. Oh well.

Okay, drastic statements coming up… be forwarned.

I am oficially dis-owning my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) except for the Graffagnino gang in NC. I have been dealing with my mom’ s family for the past 2 weeks because of the death of my aunt. The actions that I have seen displayed, the things that have been said verbally and written in emails over the past 2 weeks makes me sick to my stomach and I no longer wish to be a part of it. Since we moved back to MI I have managed to come up with excuses (some legit… most not) as to why we couldn’t make it to any of the “extended family gatherings” that were planned. Here’s the truth: I don’t like these people. I am ashamed that some of them claim to be Christ followers because I think that the way they act breaks Christ’s heart. Please hear me… I KNOW that pleanty of the things I do break His heart as well and I am continually working towards living my life the way God intended for me to live it so I don’t mean for this to excuse me of my own guilt. However, I am so tired of playing the games that the “Pastor’s Family” has played for the years and years and decades and decades we have been doing it. I’m done. If any of my “extended family” is reading this… please don’t bother inviting me and my family to anymore functions. We won’t be coming. How this breaks my heart. I really thought (hoped, prayed…) that the horrible death of my 52 year old Aunt would bring this family together in a way that we never have been. I guess I can add this to my ever-growing list of life’s disappointments.

I have my “Family of Choice”… a much smaller group of people that I have chosen to be in my life who laugh and cry with me, who hold me accountable, but mostly who love me in the truest sense of the word. These are the people that my children will grow up spending time with, learning from and looking up to. I am eternally grateful for these people… you know who you are.

And, of course, my Seamus… my soul-mate, my Emi, Sami, & JJ… the joys of my life… I love you. My life would be empty with out you.

How I Love the Weekend!

“TGIF” has taken on a whole new meaning now that I’m working full time again! Man! I love weekends! Today has been a busy but productive day… lots of laundry and cleaning. The girls and I made 4 loaves of bananna bread and put plates of bread and Hershey’s Kisses together for our next door neighbors on both sides. Jim and JJ spent some “guy time” together while we were doing this.

Several people have asked me what “health problems” I eluded to on a previous post. I have been having some issues with my heart… racing, palpatations and more recently some chest pain too. It’s kinda scary. I went to the Doctor’s on Thursday and the tests she ran didn’t show anything. I’m still waiting for the results of the blood tests she did. Who knows…

Work is good… busy. I’m glad I love my job because there’s NO way I would be able to do this if I didn’t. I still feel like I don’t get to see as much of my family as I would like. I keep trying to remind myself to be grateful for the years that I had to be a stay-at-home-mom before finances required me to go to work. It’s still hard though. The kids are growing up so fast. I don’t want to miss a minute of it.

The kids started Karate last night and they all love it. It was so neat to see t hem all in their little uniforms!

I have to run.. the kids are yelling for me.

Peace

Serious Prayer For Chris Marshall Needed

I am sick to the stomach as I just finshed reading the most recent news from Chris Marshall and Ordinary Community in Cincy. Below I will paste snippets of his post.

The reason for all the abnormal pain I’ve had since my achilles surgery came to the surface today. I went back to teach today for the 1st time since my surgery and it didn’t go well at all. I was in such pain that I was nauseated even while sitting down. … He feared it was a blood clot so they were rushing me to the hospital to the vascular lab to get a doppler ultrasound done right away. I speeded there, crutched for about 15 minutes til I found it and then had the test done. The Dr. expected to find nothing because it would be extremely rare in this kind of surgery and at my age, but it was a positive test. There is a blood clot in my left calf. … The seriousness of a clot is that if it releases from my calf, it could go straight to my lungs and cause heart attack. I’m kind of on alert for those symptoms tonight. The good news is that its below the knee which has a less likelihood of releasing to my lungs.

Friends, this ordeal scared the @#$% of out my wife and I. I had a really hard time keeping it together. To go from a sports injury to something life threatening kind of took the wind out of my sails, and my wife who has been working so hard keeping so much on track as I’ve been down and out. I don’t know what this means yet for my life. I have to look into disability insurance as I’m not sure when I’ll be fit to get back in the classroom and that makes me quite sad.

I’ll be honest, I’m still scared and need your prayer.

peace to you and your house this night,

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Rough day

Today has been lousy. Really rough day at work… the on-going saga of racial prejudice that I am stuck in the middle of. Meetings today about it… with my boss… with my office partner… with the Ethics Board. I’m tired. Family struggles .. with one child in particular… personal struggles.. with some heath concerns. Dr’s apt in 2 weeks. So many things to do and not enough hours in the day in which to get them done. Trying to live in the “now” and be part of Kingdom living in it’s truest form and not sure I have any clue what the heck I’m doing.

I’m back!

Well.. after a long hiatus from blogging I have decided to get back in the saddle (much to the delight of my husband!… Thanks for setting this all up for me, Hon!)

The reality is that there is so much that has happened since I’ve last blogged that I will never “catch up”. So, I think I will just start from where I am now. Which is… here, I guess. Welcome to my world.

I guess I should put a “discalimer” out here right at the beginning… those who know me know that I pretty much “wear my heart on my sleeve.” In other words, what you see is what you get. Or what you read is what you get. There may be days where things I write may not sit well with you … you may disagree… you may think I have “back-slidden” or “lost my faith”. (there are those who think that already so I’m getting used to it!)

The song of my heart today is a sad one… a melody in a minor key that sings the lament of the injustices of this world. I have been deeply disturbed over the past 2 days in dealing up close and personal with bigotry and ignorace that turns my stomach and breaks my heart all at the same time. Can’t share any details because of confidentiality. However, it has caused me to look deeply within myself to see what prejudices lie in the caverns of my own heart. God how I long for the day when we will see each other they way we really are… not the way we have been taught to see them. As we talked about with our kids at dinner tonight…. every person on the planet bleeds the same color.

Much more later. It’s good to be back.